Okay, here’s my story and my why. When I was 18, I became involved in my first “serious” relationship. Up until that point, I never trusted men and had never given myself to anyone, physically or emotionally. But I fell head over heels for this man. We were together for a year. During that time, I had a miscarriage. Until today, there were very few people who knew this. But I am sharing with you now. I was absolutely distraught over this. However, as time went by, I realized that everything happened for a reason. You see, this man became abusive and I learned he had a serious drug problem as well. I made it out of this relationship alive and a little wiser.
When I was 20, I met my first husband and the father of my oldest daughter. When I became pregnant, we were not married yet. I had a very dangerous pregnancy due to gestational diabetes and high blood pressure which led to toxemia. I spent quite a bit of the last few months of my pregnancy in the hospital and the doctor finally decided to take the baby early. I was told I should never try to get pregnant again and that I most likely would not survive, but for some reason, the doctor wouldn’t tie my tubes. Why did this baby survive when the first one didn’t? I found out that WHY three years later. When my brother was killed in a car accident, I was back in college and my parents were taking care of my daughter while my husband was working and I was doing the commute to the main campus of Kent State (about a three hour round trip drive). My brother was the type of person I always wanted to become. His death destroyed me. I will admit there were many times I gave serious thought to driving right under a semi on the way to or from school. Why didn’t I? Because of my baby. She was my reason for living. She was also the rock that my parents needed. I still believe that if it weren’t for Stacey, my mom would have given up living a long time ago.
Let’s fast forward about seven years, shall we? Upon learning that my first husband had been cheating on me for quite some time and with more than one woman, I decided that I deserved to be someone’s first choice, not a backup if the mistress isn’t available. So I divorced him. Again, I was as low into a depression as anyone could be. Wasn’t I good enough? What got me through this painful experience and depression? My child. Now do you understand why this baby survived? I do.
After this divorce, I decided that I WAS good enough to be someone’s one and only. I started dating again. I met the man who would become my second husband. He said all the right words and did all the right things to make me feel loved and like his princess. We got married a year after we met. I started having severe flare-ups of endometriosis, which I had been struggling with since I was a teenager, and learned I had an ovarian cyst. I had an operation in which the cyst was checked for cancer and some of the endometrial scar tissue was cut loose. About a month after this surgery, I became pregnant with my second daughter. I went through yet another high-risk pregnancy. My doctor induced labor a month early because of my protein levels. I had another beautiful baby girl.
Then the abuse started. It started with mental and emotional abuse. He had me believing I was a worthless, fat, ugly piece of trash that couldn’t do better than him. He alienated me from my family. We had our son a year after our daughter. My third high-risk pregnancy. I was 33 at the time Cody was born. Again, I got the same speech from my doctor about not trying to have more kids. I also realized at this time that my husband didn’t care about my health or even my survival. He would expect me to keep having his children. See, he figured he had me tied to him since we had children together. No woman would ever leave the father of her children, right? The day after Cody was born, I made the doctor tie my tubes. The husband was very angry and very resentful of my decision. And the physical abuse started. I was getting punched, thrown against walls, threatened with knives… you name it and it happened.
In the summer of 2005, he came home from work and snapped on me. He choked me, in front of the kids. I remember hearing my babies crying and him telling them to stop because “She’s not worth it.” I started to black out. For some reason, he let go of me and left. I called my Mom to come sit with the kids and called the police. He ended up sitting in jail for a short time over that one. They called it Domestic Violence rather than Attempted Murder. He had to start going through anger management and begged me to take him back. Again, I fell for his line. “I will never do it again. I’ve changed. Therapy is helping me.” I set a condition on our trying to work it out. He can never lay a hand on me again. Well, he more than made up for it with his mouth.
In 2008, I started working. What a joy this was! I could be around other people who LIKED me and made me happy and made me realize I AM a GOOD person. My job and my friends there were my salvation at this point in my life. It was an escape. Little did I know then that he was making my kids pay. You see, I was at a very good-paying job supporting the family, while he was taking some classes at a local college. He was doing nothing positive to support our family. There were days when I wouldn’t get home until 9 pm and walk in the door to find the kids hadn’t had dinner yet and had been forced to stay in their room until I got home. Really??? You wanted kids, but don’t want to be a parent. I started to slowly and quietly boil. I started planning our escape. I bought a good, reliable vehicle. We had moved back to my hometown to be close to my mom, which annoyed him as much as a person can be annoyed. Since I was the one working, this move was MY decision.
In September of 2009, we had the fight that became the last straw for me. He stormed out of the house and said he was going to kill himself, which was his usual line. I wished him the best of luck and barricaded the house. At 2 am, I get a phone call from the Canton Police Department (Canton is 30 minutes north of us) informing me that he had be in an accident. My response was “Is he dead or dying?” You could have heard a pin drop. Then I explained why I said it, that this man had put me through hell for nine years and how we had been fighting for most of the week until he left. So I called my Mom to come sit with the kids while I drove 30 minutes to go see the man I had come to hate.
All the way there, I was thinking. Let’s just say that an angry woman who is alone with her thoughts becomes a very dangerous enemy. I was ticking off the negative things against the positive. The only positive thing about our relationship was the children. He contributed nothing positive financially or emotionally to our family. What was I doing with him? When I got there, I talked to the doctor who was treating him. I got the details of the extent of his injuries. I also told the doctor that he had threatened to kill himself. The doctor decided to call for a psych evaluation. Then I went to see him. He greeted me with “What the f@ck are you doing here, b_tch?” I told him that his little games just got real and that I was done. I told him that when he was released, don’t bother calling me, but to call his parents because that’s where he would be living. He tried to get out of the bed to come after me and the doctor told him if he tried to hurt me, he would have no choice but to have him put in restraints. When he was wheeled out of the room for x-rays, I took his house keys, his cell phone (which was on my account) and the debit card to our joint account. The next day, I called off from work. I had the locks changed, cancelled his cell phone and closed our bank account. He showed up at my house that night with his dad, who wanted us to work things out. I called the police as he was breaking one of the windows. The next Monday, I got a protection order.
A week later, he cornered me outside my workplace and wouldn’t let me out of my truck. He took my keys and my cell phone. Thank God, my friend Anna saw what was happening. I told him that if he didn’t want to end up in jail again, he better hand me my things and walk away. Thankfully, he did. He broke into my house a few days later and got physical again in front of the kids. I reminded him of the protection order and stood my ground. When I started dialing 911, he left. He was later arrested for violating the protection order and was put in jail. The divorce was about as nasty as a divorce can get. The only thing left to fight is the fact that he wants visitation with the kids.. After four years of him staying away from them on his own. What keeps me sane and on this Earth? My children.
In October of 2010, I met my soulmate. Having been through these nightmare relationships has given me a deeper appreciation of a good man than I might ever have had otherwise. My Ben loves me and my children. He’s kind, loving and gentle-hearted. He has been a gift from heaven, just like my children.
I would love nothing more than to have a baby with Ben. I could have had surgery to try to reverse the tubal that was done after Cody was born. But as fate has it, I can’t. You see, in 2006, after another round of ovarian cysts, I had a total hysterectomy. When the tissue was sent out for biopsy, it came back showing pre-cancerous cells. Was I devastated to hear this? Absolutely. Do I understand why the surgery had to happen? Yes. Do I beat my chest and blame God for taking this from me? No, because I believe that there is a purpose for me. That purpose is to be the best person I can be. To love my husband and my children and to help others in any way that I can.
Now here’s my WHY, as in “Why do I work at home and why do I have this blog.” I am a full-time Mom to some pretty wonderful kids and wife to an amazingly kind and dear man. Yes, all my children are my most precious accomplishments. However, my youngest really holds a special place in my heart. You see, he is autistic and also has ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, and whole bunch of other multi-syllable words. This amazing, sweet, and funny kid has really been dealt a crappy hand. But we are enjoying life! On a weekly basis, we are running to many appointments such as: counseling, group counseling (to help with social skills), speech therapy, occupational therapy and doctors’ appointments! Having this blog and being involved with the companies that I represent will allow me to continue to stay at home. With all the appointments we have, there’s no way I could work away from home. What employer is going to let an employee take off work so much like I would need to do?
Our dream is to get a place out of town. My husband is a country boy and living in town with super close neighbors is killing him. He drives an hour one way each and every morning and evening for work. I would love to be able to get him closer to his work. And if we can find a place with a couple of acres, even better.
Hopefully, this gives you a better insight into who I am. I have been through the fires of hell and managed to keep going. I have come out a far better person than I was before.I have become stronger and wiser as a result of everything that has happened. If you are in a bad situation and need to talk to someone, I am here. I am a very good listener.
Isn’t that the whole reason for us being here? To help one another. <3